Corrupted Wishing Well 2

First topic message reminder :

I'm sure most of you know this game -- make a wish, and have it come true. Problem is, the wishing well is corrupted and as such the fulfillment of the wish goes terribly awry!

To those who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the gist:
1. Grant the wish above you, making it go wrong somehow.
2. Make a wish yourself.
3. Lather, rinse, repeat.

For example:

Person 1: I wish for some sushi.

Person 2: Granted, but it seems that the fish has gone rotten, and it's given you food poisoning!
I wish for a puppy.

Person 3: Granted, but it's vicious and it tears up your furniture.
I wish I was the smartest person in the world.

___________________________________________________________________________________

I will start.
I wish Pokemon were real.

Granted, but eternal darkness rules so you no longer exist.
I wish for an autograph

Granted. It's from Adolph Hitler. From the past.
On one hand, he's evil. On the other, you could definitely sell this for a high price.
I wish for a good *read GOOD, somewhat grammatically correct, interesting, not-plagiarized* Pokemon fanfiction to read.

Granted, but its in latin and you cant translate it.
I wish for a kitty

Granted. It's rabid. Have fun with trying to stop it from clawing your eyes out!
I wish for a Wii U

Granted. However, it malfunctions and accidentally shoots you. (Logic is for n00bs.)

I wish for paper that cannot give paper cuts.

Granted, now the paper can devour you.

I wish for an army of flying bacon.

Granted. You rule the world with it!
Except that they don't like your leadership and force themselves into you, killing you due to extremely high cholesterol intake.
I wish for a vending machine.

Granted. Sadly, whenever you try to use it, it doesn't give anything back.

I wish for the ability to teleport.

Granted, but you cannot control your ability and so you randomly teleport into a volcano.

I wish for a sniper rifle.

Granted, but it is haunted and proceeds to shoot you and everyone in sight.

I wish for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Granted, but a cult of Flying Spaghetti Monster worshipers keep trying to take it for their shrine, and annoy you to death after a while.

I wish for a stapler.

Granted. And now you have accidentally stapled your eyes.

I wish for an apocalypse.

Granted, but due to you being from the Philippines with an accent it thought you said apocalypto, so you get a movie from 2006
I wish for... A safehouse

You get a safehouse, but its entrance is locked and the key is inside.

I wish for a bottle cap.

You get a bottle cap, but you lose it in the sewers.

I wish for Cthulhu