Corrupted Wishing Well 2

First topic message reminder :

I'm sure most of you know this game -- make a wish, and have it come true. Problem is, the wishing well is corrupted and as such the fulfillment of the wish goes terribly awry!

To those who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the gist:
1. Grant the wish above you, making it go wrong somehow.
2. Make a wish yourself.
3. Lather, rinse, repeat.

For example:

Person 1: I wish for some sushi.

Person 2: Granted, but it seems that the fish has gone rotten, and it's given you food poisoning!
I wish for a puppy.

Person 3: Granted, but it's vicious and it tears up your furniture.
I wish I was the smartest person in the world.

___________________________________________________________________________________

I will start.
I wish Pokemon were real.

Granted, but this isn't the vending machine. You die of embarassment.

I wish that I could summon money.

Correction: This is a wishing well. I knew that fully well, and I put paper into the well. Isn't that what people do for good luck?
Anyway, granted. You can summon money. Congratulations, you're now a millionaire! In monopoly! Nobody will ever beat you in that game again!
I drop a piece of paper into the wishing well, not wishing anything.

You dropped a piece of paper into a wishing well.... it isnt messed up because it isnt a wish.

I wish to be a pokemon

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼ Wish?! Granted. Now you are a Magical Pokemon who's fate will be to become a witch. Good for you.

I wish contracters never existed.

Granted. Um...your house dosn't exist? I think that makes sense.

I iwsh I knew what contracters DID exactly so I didn't look like an idiot.

I think she meant contractors from Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Those assholes granted girls any wish whatsoever, and she'd become a 'magical girl' and save the world!
The catch? They feed off corrupted human souls, which Magical girls have to destroy and what they inevitably become.
So, granted. You now know what they are. Unfortunately, one seems to have made a contract with your mother, who wishes you were a perfect boy. Say goodbye to your free will!

I wish that there was Mass Effect 1 for the PS3.

Granted. It's glitched like nothing you've ever seen.

I wish that an admin would RP as the guildmaster in my thread so my team can continue the story.

Granted? You know you could just PM one of the mods, right?
Anyway, granted, but she denies you access to the guild.

I wish that I could insert stuff into the wishing well with results.

Granted. THe results are that it eats you.

I wish that I could shape-shift.

Granted. You can now shape-shift into a pony. Have fun with that.

I wish I could stop procrastinating and just work on my story.

Granted. You get writer's block.

I wish that I knew the answer to every question ever asked, being asked, and ever will be asked.

Granted. You know dark things you shouldn't know...

I wish I had a Ditto. IT'S SO SQUISHY! :3

Granted. It tranforms into something ordinary and you can't find it.

I wish I didn't have an annoying brother.

Granted. He dies in a car crash, and everybody blames you for wishing that wish. HAVE FUN WITH THAT!

I wish I wasn't a dateless loser.

Granted. You have a date with EVERYONE. Every girl, every man, every animal, every plant, every inanimate object, AND LOADS MORE.

I wish I had a Shiny Magikarp. With a gun.