Heathens OOC (Again)

First topic message reminder :

(Look. You get what you get. This isn't a charity.)

Hello, welcome and my warmest salutations! Greetings to all you boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, ghouls, goblins, and whatever the Hell else you might be! You all are about to embark on one of the greatest RPs of your lives! You'll laugh! You'll cry! You might even have some gas! But, it will be FANTASTIC!!!!

First, however: Some boring rules.

Oh do shush. You knew this was coming. Now read these or you won't get any pudding. You can't have any pudding if you don't read the rules.

Rule #1: Follow General Role-Play etiquette. No Mary Sues, no God-Modding, etc.

Rule #2: Don't be an asshole, asshat, assbag, or any other of the numerous variations. (Unless it pleases me. Then do please do your best to break this rule.)

Rule #3: Don't Panic. (If you do panic, you shall not be provided with a handy-dandy paper bag.)

Rule #4: Do you know where your towel is? Do you have it on you? If not, remedy both. The penalty is to be read the greatest examples of Vogon Poetry the galaxy has to offer.

Rule #5: Do be sure to wash behind your ears.

Rule #6: Ignore rule #5. He's a wanker and we all bloody know it.

Rule #7: Have fun, or so help me I will take this belt off...

Rule #8: You have earned your reward. Congratulations! Proceed to the next rule for pudding!

Rule #9 : Look! Yummy delicious pudding! How delightful!

(Secretly filled with laxative.)


Right! Now that that business is done with: Tally Ho!

This RP is essentially one of religion. For as long as humanity has had culture, we have had gods. Until very recently the number of religions around the world was much larger and most were polytheistic and followed the rules of animism. If it existed in a culture, there was a god for it. However, with the rise of monotheistic religions, many of these "pagan faiths" were either wiped out or assimilated. Little do many of us know, however, that these Gods are more present and real than we think.

Sometime around the rise of Mesopotamia a group of Gods rose against the Old Order. These Gods defied the Old Order, wanting to be the deities for the humans. However, the Old Order would have none of it. They had shaped the humans since their earliest days and saw them like dear and loved children. These New Gods knew nothing of respect.These New Gods were furious and, banding together and combing their powers, tricked the Old Gods and in a twist of irony imprisoned themin human form. Though they were still immortal, these Old Gods lost most of their power.

With the Old Gods imprisoned, the New Order formed the pantheons of religion found in our textbooks. Zeus, Odin, Quezacotl, all Old Order Gods. The Old Gods were forced to watch as the New Order received the praise that they did not deserve. It continued this way until the rise of the Monotheistic religions.

It appears that when one God finds He can hold sway over the majority of the Earth's population all by himself, He becomes a tad greedy. This led to the trend of the Monotheists wiping out or converting any other religion. The Monotheists were also told of the Old Gods, and soon began to wipe them out behind the scenes. The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Witch Hunts, every one was a way for the Church to find these New Gods and destroy them.

But the Old Gods would not be done in so easily. Cunning and sly, the Old Gods found that if they took on Mortal Partners, their true powers could be unlocked through prayer and sacrifice, if only for a short time. So, these Partnerships began to be formed and the Old Gods found a way to fight back. Still, many perished. Those who lasted found their Mortal partners aged and died, and so they were forced to move from partner to partner through the years.

Now, in the present day, very few Old Gods remain. The monotheist are stronger than they have ever been. Behind the scenes, their agents conspire against the Old Gods at ever turn. And to make things worse, the New Order has become impatient with the Old Gods' slow demise. To wipe out the Old Gods, they have begun to send their own servants, known as the Archangels. Though the name comes from biblical tradition, these servants hail from many of the New Order. They have power on par with the Old Gods and none of the restrictions.

So, now backed into a corner and fighting for their lives, the time has come for some of the Old Gods to choose new Partners. Though all hope seems lost, it has been whispered through the tight-nit group of Old Gods that there may be a way to end this conflict, once and for all...

Welcome to "Heathens"!



Now, with the exposition out of the way, let me explain how submissions will be handled. I know everyone will want to play the Gods, but we need to give some love to their Mortal partners, right? So, I will be randomly putting all applicants into teams and randomly choosing who will be God and who will be Mortal, this way no one will feel treated unfairly.

(Except Fox and I. She makes the rules, not me. The pudding was her idea, I swear.)

After teams and roles have been selected, you will be required to fill out the bio below, but that's it.

Name:

Gender:

Physical Appearance:

Personality:

Power (Gods Only): ex. God of Love, God of Cleanliness, God of Cocktail Parties, God of Dove Hand Soap.

History:


Right? We all settled? Well, what are you waiting for? A written invitation? No one uses those anymore. Welcome to the 21st century

'Aight.

Muff, you get god status.

Daix, that makes you a mortal.

Get to work on those bios and writing samples.

.

Okay... Let's do this. *Cracks his knuckles.*

Where do I even fucking start, man? I mean, seriously, be honest with me here. Did you read the opening post? Did you take the time to read and see what this RP was about, because from what is meeting my eyes with a solid kick in the balls here (don't overthink that one) doesn't inspire confidence.

So, lets go back to the beginning and see if we can sort this out, okay?

Okay.

Let's take a look at some basic human skills. Pattern recognition is a good one, don't you think? Unk ate berry. Unk fall down dead. Me no eat berry. Me no fall down dead. Unk kill mammoth. Unk have food. Me kill mammoth. Me have food. People post believable, balanced characters that color inside the lines of the RP. People get accepted because they show the GM that he can trust them. Me post strange, overpowered in relation character that makes little to no sense in the context of the world. GM gives a mean critique of Me bio. Me no know what went wrong.

See the disconnect?

So, lets take a close look at this thing and see just where we went careened off the road multiple times, knocking a happy married couple into a tree and sending a bus full of Catholic school children careening down a cliff to their fiery, painful death, shall we?

Part One: Snowflake.

I'd say my first clue was the purple eyes. And then I ran smack dab into the giant fucking Stop Sign that was a fucking Gundam. And I got a concussion. I can't go to State now. Our team lost because the WR tripped over his untied shoe and dropped the game winning TD pass.

Nice.

Seriously though: Dude, what am I looking at here? You see the other gods that have been posted? They're low key. They're under-powered. Blue's is a child. For fuck's sake, mine is a fucking feline! The most threatening thing he can do is lift up his leg and lick his own balls in a menacing manner. That's it.

From this perspective, the fact that this dude has all his powers might be just a TAD OP. The fucking robot is the equivalent of having a toddler go head to head with John Motherfucking Cena-Senpai. That's gonna be a really poopy diaper, and I ain't cleaning that shit up.

And another thing: 30 A.D.

(By the way, C.E. is the preferred abbreviation. Get out of your Euro-Christian-Centric bubble.)  

Read the Bible? Yeah, see, there's this "I Am Who Am" guy, and this guy is a straight-up, motherfucking gangster. He was icin' dudes before before Orca Whale here was even making simple sentences with Hooked on Phonics. Plagues? Been there. Genocide? Done that. This dude's so mental he almost had this dude kill his own son just for shits and giggles. Years of therapy, right there. Then he just had them kill a sheep, because why the fuck not? He dropped a sea on the Egyptians. He gave this Joshua guy a horn and was laughing for days as this asshole keep blowing and blowing and blowing. Dude turned a chick into salt. Salt, man.

What makes you think he's not going to just straight up murder Shamoo over here the first chance he gets? Wouldn't be too fucking hard. So, there's that to think about.

Basically, to sum it up: too powerful, too conspicuous, I'm pretty sure he's going to melt when Spring comes around. Happy Easter.

Part Two: Ewwww.

No, seriously: Ewwwwww.

Your god had relations with a human and made a baby....

A. How does that even fucking happen?

B. That's fucked up, dude. That's like having sex with a kid, if we look at it. And he didn't even have a hand in the human's creation, so that's like having sex with someone else's kid.

I say again. Ew.

C. Let's take a look at this whole paragraph with the family, shall we? We shall.

"He felt like he belonged. These people treated him as one of their kin, ignoring his appearance, treating him with respect and awe of the people he lived with." Yes. As we all know, the barbaric tribes were very accepting of outside cultures. Julius Caesar, Augustus, and many other famous Romans found this out when they tried to cut off their heads and then later sacked and burned Rome. Multiple times.

Such a lovely people. They did invent pants, after all.

10 years passed, and he fell in love, he married the woman, having a child with here 2 years later. We already talked about this. Moving on.

A year passed, Orpanc was off in the mountains, gathering the mythical metal adamite. He returned home, smoke emanating from the city. The Romans had invaded Britannia, razing his village. Saw this coming. I want my money back. M. Night Shyamalamadingdong needs to stop trying.

Orpanc dropped his materials, running to his house. His family lay in their abode, his wife unconscious from smoke inhalation, his child crying in the crib. Teeny tiny baby lungs. Baby's dead everyone. Nothing to see here. Return to your homes.

He ran into the flames, burning his skin, but leaving no effects on his garments. Form AND function! Only at JC Penny.

He grabbed his family, holding them with unusual strength for his size, carrying them out of the house. Given this guy is the size of an Oompaloompa with a glandular disorder and weighs about as much as a mayfly's fart, I'm calling bullshit.

Also, I've said this in other posts, but if you must use the words, "unusual", "crazy as it might seem", or any of their variants, follow these simple rules: Don't.

The audience's willing suspension of disbelief is only stretchy. Don't make it snap.  

He ran from the legionaries, resorting to killing a few before fleeing. Well, at least he's a pacifist. Gandhi's corpse is smiling. Go MLK Jr., go.

He escaped, but not before Venus cursed him changing his gender. Oh. Don't you worry. We'll get to this. We will fucking get to this.

He carried them to the mountains, where he had hidden his workshop. The End. The audience claps politely. Popcorn is spilled on the floor. The usher sighs.

So, yeah. There's all that. I'd do the whole thing like that, trust me I could, but I think that's against the Geneva Convention.

Now.... Now we get to something I'm not cool with at all.

Part Three: It's not the 50's Anymore.

It is now 2015. Women can vote. Women hold political office. One is running for president. Many have full time jobs. Many are shit at cooking. And cleaning. And not cursing like sailors. No matter how many times I ask Fox to bring me a martini and my slippers when I walk in the door and serve me dinner on the easy chair, she always slaps me.

As much as this makes many wrinkly old men grimace through their tapioca pudding, I think it's actually a pretty cool thing.

Which is why the I am not cool, AT ALL, with the fact that being turned into a woman is a CURSE.

Not cool.

I get it, periods suck. A whole fucking lot. But women fucking rule. I believe Alisha Keeys said it best in that Levi's commercial: "All women... are naturally, instinctually... badass." *Cue the funky ass music.*

Women are beautiful, strong, smart, and sexy. Men look like dumb apes next to them. Every man has secretly wished they were a woman. (Don't lie.) If women could come up with a way to reproduce with out men, men would go extinct.

So don't ever use being a woman as a curse. That motherfucker is lucky as hell and she knows it.

*Fist pump.*

Part Four: The Fucking Robot.

I don't even have the energy to devote to the massive amount of typing this section would require. I don't feel like getting in a pissing contest with Homer and Tolkien, thanks.

Suffice it to say, it doesn't work. Period.

Part Five: Wrap-Up.

Look, you can obviously see that I'm not happy with this submission. Other's aren't either. It has actually offended some people.

But, I'm nice. I'm giving you a chance to do it over. You get another swing at bat. If not, I'm switching you and your partner to see if he can do better.

Seriously though, man: I don't mind you having fun. I encourage it. But don't color your art with crayon and then try to sell it to me. Give me something that took effort, something that took hard, critical thought, something with blood and tears in it.

You can do better.

So get out there and do it.