The Vending Machine

First topic message reminder :

Welcome to the vending machine! Put anything in it, anything! Perhaps you'd like to put in a television, or a quarter, or even a person, like Ripple! Who knows what you'll get? Why, the person who posts next, of course!
For example, say Alice puts a pistol into the vending machine. Bob, who is next in line, sees Alice get bullets in return! Bullets that are going at a speed of 4000 feet per second and straight at her ch-OH GOD, IS SHE DEAD?!
So, after witnessing that traumatizing event, Bob decides to play it safe and put in a... let's say a quarter.
I, being the boring person I am, find that Bob has received a candy bar in return! YAY!
So, feeling confident that Alice's fate is not mine, I shall put in my ham sandwich. What will I get in return? That's for you to decide!

You get a vending Machine with people inside of it. Why might you ask? I wouldn't know, ask the vending machine

I insert an Ipod

You get an Ipodpadnanoshuffle7. Which uses it's 'A Soap' feature to soap out your mouth.
I put in air.

You receive approximately the same amount of helium as the amount of air you inserted. Have fun with your squeaky voice while it lasts!

I insert a mustache.

You get a mustache. It's now on your mouth, and it's staying there for a long time.
I put in a hair.

You get a monkey costume. HOLY CRAP WHERE'S SAKURA? There's only a monkey where she was standing.....
I insert $1.25.

You get $5.21 dollars. In change.

I put in your mom. o3o

You get my mom right back, and a note.

"I, as a highly respectable vending machine want no part in juvenile jokes on the account of ones parents, particiluarily the maternal side! "Moms" are the ones who caused you humans to exist, and you should pay them more respect! You don't see me offending my mechanic, do you? Now, as I return this woman, I would kindly ask that people refrain from putting other's mothers in me, lest they want me to pass out an even angrier note with even more exclaimation points, and risk triggering someone!

With all due respect, Vending Machine".

I insert a lunchbox.

You get a TV dinner. Whee.

I put in Missingno.

You get M.
Who is glitching your game up.
Alot.

I put in, a pikachu.

You get 'M. Who by the way cannot glitch your game unless you A) Put it in your box automatically or B) You get the level 0 one and do not immediatley level it up some way somehow.
I put in he explanation of 'M.

You get N from Death Note.
I insert my monkey wrench.

You get a wrench monkey. I dunno.
I put in some Old Spice.

You get two tickets to the thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds.

I insert a poker chip.

You get a chip of poker which embeds itself in your head. WAIT WHY ISN'Y LEAF TALKING?

I insert a chip of poker.

You get a poker of chip. Wat.

I put in the poker of chip.