The Vending Machine

First topic message reminder :

Welcome to the vending machine! Put anything in it, anything! Perhaps you'd like to put in a television, or a quarter, or even a person, like Ripple! Who knows what you'll get? Why, the person who posts next, of course!
For example, say Alice puts a pistol into the vending machine. Bob, who is next in line, sees Alice get bullets in return! Bullets that are going at a speed of 4000 feet per second and straight at her ch-OH GOD, IS SHE DEAD?!
So, after witnessing that traumatizing event, Bob decides to play it safe and put in a... let's say a quarter.
I, being the boring person I am, find that Bob has received a candy bar in return! YAY!
So, feeling confident that Alice's fate is not mine, I shall put in my ham sandwich. What will I get in return? That's for you to decide!

You get Wheatley. And a little bit of extra stupidity on the side.

I insert my iPhone.

You get 9¢. the worth of that iPhone.

I insert OVER 9000 gold dabloons.

You get 11,593.5 Legion Denarius (Rounded down by the vending machine because it's mean).

I insert 11,593 Legion Denarius.

you get my sympathy for being insane.

I insert my cluelessness

You get a coupon for a free clue, available at any Target department store in Unova, between the Get a Life stand and the vending machine.

I insert a live lobster.

you get an all-you can-eat seafood buffet.

i insert a koala.

you get an extremly pissed of koala because its species is endangerd.

I insert a rubber ball

yyou get a rubber ball flying through the air at 951MPH... that impales you.

I insert shadow's dead, smelly, sweaty feet

You get Shadow's dead, smelly, sweaty hands.

you get nothing, because you inserted nothing.
I insert 200 poke

You get back 199 poke, the vending machine is a thief!
I insert a Bidoof

You get 1,000 poke and a sign that reads, "PLEASE!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!"
(I really don't hate Bidoof, but I'm just playing along with it.)
I insert a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie.

You get my Corpse. (im allergic to nuts)

I insert my corpse. How, I don't know.

you get back a pokeball that sucks you inside.

I Put in a thunderstone

You get a Fire Stone.

I put in a leaf blower.