The Corrupted Wishing Well

First topic message reminder :

Having been a vet of this site since... um, a few years ago, I remember the forum game Corrupted Wishing Well. I'm sure you all remember it, and if you don't then scroll down like three topics. You'll see it. Anyways, this forum game works by fulfilling the wish of the last poster and detailing how said wish goes wrong, often with hilarious and reference-riddled results.

For example:
Person 1: I wish I had Pokemon Sun!
Person 2: Granted, but it's a hacked version of Heartgold. A bad hack, at that. I wish I had a pet cat.
Person 3: Granted, but it's a feral cat that gives you rabies. I wish I wasn't so addicted to forum games!

... and so forth. If you understand, let's begin. If not, I suggest you look at the previus Corrupted Wishing Well topic.

I wish I had an unlimited supply of Tootsie Roll Pops.

Granted. You vanish in a puff of logic.

I wish Opal had a fire stone.

Granted, but Opal's genetics and history were re-written in the process to now be Lord E V's character since he has a fire stone in his records and she is now an eevee that will evolve into a flareon.

I wish one of my characters killed a legendary pokemon in-rp.

Granted, but this only occurs after everyone single one of your characters gang up on one legendary, and everyone ends up dying except for the one character that killed the legendary.

I wish either one of my characters was competent.

Granted, but it's Darcy, and Alki is now unplayably incompetent and unanimously hated both in and out of character.

I wish to be The Guy.

Granted, but The Guy is actually a real person, who happens to be caught up in some serious business with a mafia of your choosing. Have fun running.

I wish both of my characters were competent.

Granted, but you get accused of powergaming and are banned in short order.

I wish I had self-cleaning dishes.

Granted, but any food that is poured into them is instantly cleaned upon contact and you are not able to use those dishes for food purposes ever again.

I wish that the chatbox alerted the users everytime a new message has been sent

Granted, but the alert is a random pornstar moaning at top volume and you have no way to silence it.

I wish I could keep a regular sleep schedule.

Granted, but it requires you getting up very early in the morning.

I wish I could have two cats, and that those cats would get along.

Granted, but they work together to plot against you and make your life miserable.

I wish for a positive, eevee-themed result from this wish.

Pokemon: Let's Go Eevee is the best most critically acclaimed Pokemon to ever come out. However, everyone in charge of making Pokemon decides that there's nowhere left to go for the series, and Pokemon and everything related to it dies.

I wish that I could win Evo 2019

Granted! Unfortunately, since you play Smash you win the Smash 4 side tournament. It only has a handful of entrants 'cos everyone else switched over to Ultimate. You get like fifty bucks, a dinky little medal, and nobody really gives a shit. But you can technically say you won EVO 2019.

I wish I was ridiculously wealthy.

Granted! However, now that you're wealthy everyone's only your friend because of that fact, not caring anything about you, your personality, or anything along those lines. They look at you and go "Wow, he's rich! Maybe if we get close enough to him, we will be too." But no-one will want you for you, and slowly you'll spiral downwards into a depression due to having no true friends in your life, slowly eating you away from the inside.

I wish I knew what to wish for.

Granted, you now know what wish to ask for in order to grant your deepest hidden desire. However, since you used your wish to gain that knowledge you are unable to actually wish the wish you just learned about.

I wish I could play Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon with my roleplay character from this site as the main character.

Granted! Unfortunately, Trace is locked at level one for the entirety of the game and therefore must rely on his partner to keep him safe and do pretty much everything. Due to the huge disparity in their levels, Trace isn't useful for much other than using items, so while he's technically the main character, he's more of a side-kick.

I wish for the power to clone myself.