The Vending Machine

Welcome to the vending machine! Put anything in it, anything! Perhaps you'd like to put in a television, or a quarter, or even a person, like Ripple! Who knows what you'll get? Why, the person who posts next, of course!
For example, say Alice puts a pistol into the vending machine. Bob, who is next in line, sees Alice get bullets in return! Bullets that are going at a speed of 4000 feet per second and straight at her ch-OH GOD, IS SHE DEAD?!
So, after witnessing that traumatizing event, Bob decides to play it safe and put in a... let's say a quarter.
I, being the boring person I am, find that Bob has received a candy bar in return! YAY!
So, feeling confident that Alice's fate is not mine, I shall put in my ham sandwich. What will I get in return? That's for you to decide!

The Vending Machine spits out a Slap.

I put myself into the vending machine.

Your canned meat comes out of the vending machine.
I put in a candy bar.

You got a dog! The dog that just ate your candy bar and is now puking all over your feet.
I'm going to put in a fishing line. YAY, fishing in the vending machine

The fisning line goes and hooks and and takes you into the vending machine and it grinds you up!
I'm puting in a Vending Machine. Yes a Vending Machine in a Vending Machine.

u get a fake lottery ticket that u think is a real one and u win it X3
i put in a... MILLION DOLLARSSSS

You get a MILLION DOLLARS! In individual one-cent coins that are falling from the heavens. Somehow. Yeah, the vending machine is that big.
After finally getting out (in a million excruciating parts) I get fixed up and put a tooth in the vending machine.

You get........THE TOOTH FAIRY!!!!
I put in Shaman the Riolu.

You get Shaman the LUCARIO. Who is pissed as hell. And decides to test out his new aura sphere. On your face.
I put in BangBronze's mutilated body.

You get a very annoyed bronze Fakemon called Voinada who attacks you with all her glitchy powers.
I put in the makings of the zombie apocalypse.

The Zombies attack you very after being very pissed. And after they destroy you they have a party!
I put in Barry (from the 4th generation :3)

You get a very ticked-off THING that is one-third Spiky-eared Pichu, one-third Hypno, and one-third Barry.
I put in a quarter.

The Vending Machine opens...and you get socked in the face by a punching glove.

I put in the very ticked-off thing that is one-third Spiky-eared Pichu, one-third Hypno, and one-third Barry.

You get a cute little hybrid Pokemon that begs you to kill it. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I put in Mass Effect 2.

You get Mass Effect 2......destroyed and battered and starts screaming at you so loud only you could hear it.
I put in a watermelon