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 Saturn the Cubone (Finished)

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southpawXlegacy

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PostSubject: Saturn the Cubone (Finished)   Mon Jul 16, 2018 4:55 am

» Name: Saturn
» Sex: Male
» Species: #104 Cubone - The Lonely Pokemon
» Affiliation: None/Wanderer

» Level: 5
» Energy: 19 (14 BE + 5)
» Ability: Battle Armor- Hard armor protects the Pokémon from critical hits.
» Moves:
-Ancient Power (Egg Move)
-Growl (lvl 1)
-Tail Whip (lvl 3)
-

» Natural Feats:
-Mournful Song: When he cries it creates melodic sound from the noise echoing though the helmet.
-Battle Armor: Pokemon is immune to critical hits.


» Relatives:
-Hera, Saturn's mother (Kangaskhan, NPC)
-Atlas, Saturn's father (Bastiodon, NPC)

» Personality: Likes to use big words. Gets a kick out of discovering and documenting the unknown. If given the choice between a million poke and an ancient relic that others would deem worthless, he will pick the ancient relic every time. Always chasing some rumor or mystery that he's caught wind of. Finds Mystery Dungeons and how they work fascinating, and believes that there are definite patterns in how they rearrange themselves. Believes Mystery Dungeons are a phenomena to be understood, not feared.

» Likes: Mysteries, Secrets, and Research. Solving mysteries that others couldn't and discovering secrets that would've never seen the light of day otherwise is what Saturn lives for. He will spend hours poring over collected data and documented evidence for whatever lead he is chasing at the time. For him, few things are as satisfying as when he delves into a mission with all the info he deems necessary for the task at hand.

» Dislikes: Endings that are very open or left to interpretation, mysteries he cannot solve, and people who cannot keep a level head (including himself at times). One of Saturn's biggest pet peeves is when the ending to something, be it a story or an event he's experienced, lacks closure. Loose ends simply aggrivate him. Moreover, mysteries he cannot solve also tend to drive him mad. He strongly believes there is no such thing as an unsolvable mystery. Tends to get aggrivated when others around him are obnoxiously impulsive/lack emotional restraint. Believes emotions tend to get in the way of clear thought and will not hesitate to be just as critical of himself as he would be of others when he cannot maintain a level head.

» History: Saturn's mother, Hera, lived a simple life as a traveling merchant with her childhood friend, Atlas. Atlas would brave various Mystery Dungeons looking for valuables to sell whereas Hera would handle the more social side of their little business, filling the roles of shop clerk and representative when it came to conducting deals with other pokemon for renting out space to sell their inventory from. At one point during their travels, Hera encountered a kecleon desperate to make a deal with her. It was simple, "Give me some precious shinies in exchange for this bag of wondrous items. Not even I know what's in it!" Hera, against her better judgement, agreed to the deal. She gave him a couple TMs and an Icy Rock that she'd been having trouble selling anyway in exchange for this mysterious bag. The Kecleon immediately scurried off and by the time she opened the bag to see what was inside he was long gone. The bag contained some used TMs, a bit of lint, and an egg. She wondered who the egg originally belonged to and decided to incubate it in her pouch. When Atlas arrived from his daily search for items she told him about the incident and they both decided that they would raise whatever creature was developing inside, assuming it would even hatch at all.

After about a month and a half of them going about their day-to-day business Hera felt the egg shaking around in her pouch and to her surprise she found a baby Cubone looking up at her when she peeked inside. Seeing his beautiful face looking back at her like that turned her motherly instincts on like the flip of a switch. It was at that moment Hera knew she made the right choice trading with that Kecleon. The newborn initially spent a lot of time in her pouch where he felt safe and before long Hera and Atlas had decided what to name their child. "How about Saturn?", Hera inquired. Atlas replied with, "I think it suits him just fine." They taught Saturn how to read and write, and he absorbed all the information they put in front of him like a sponge. It wasn't too long before they realized that taking care of a newborn child was quite a handful and they should probably settle down so they could focus on raising him properly. They worried that living in an established town would be expensive and might expose their impressionable child to unsavory lifestyles, so they decided to move into an old, abandoned cave carved into a remote cliffside near the Eastern Desert. Its isolated location meant that unwanted visitors would not be a problem and Atlas could make regular expeditions to various towns for supplies.

This wouldn't have been a problem if it hadn't been for the fact that Saturn was a rebellious young boy with a habit of sneaking off when his parents were preoccupied, which was more often than not. Saturn hated being cooped up in his cave home and wandered out into the dry expanse outside its confines every chance he got. While he got lost briefly on more than one occasion, he always found his way back to his house with little issue. As he grew more confident in his abilites his treks took him out further and further until one day he bit off more than he could chew. It seemed his confidence was increasing much faster than his actual ability and skill in terms of navigation, and before he knew it he was lost in a sandstorm that surrounded him before he could find shelter. The swirling sand was so obscuring that Saturn could barely see any more than a couple feet in front of him, which caused him to panic and run in, what he thought, was the direction he came from. By the time the sandstorm had let up, he was completely unable to tell where he was as everything looked the same. Any landmarks he was able to spot were absolutely no help in determining his location and his only map was lost in the sandstorm's powerful winds. It appeared he was in quite the pickle, seeing as he only packed enough food for about three good meals. He was getting ready to eat when he saw the sandstorm heading toward him and had little time to pack up all his stuff to protect it from the sand. Saturn was hungry and exhausted, so he decided to take cover from the afternoon sun behind a large dune. He ate and drank the bare minimum so as to save what precious food and water he had left, and slept the rest of the day away.

By the time he awoke, it was well beyond dusk, and the light of the moon was all that he had to see by. Seeing as he was completely lost and had virtually no chance of stumbling upon his home, Saturn decided to walk in as straight of a line as possible, using the position of the moon/sun in relation to him as a sort of measuring device. After two days of this, he was out of water and only had a couple of dry, wrinkly berries that were basically rasins in terms of food. He was dehydrated and malnourished, which made the fact that he was finally coming across sparse patches of grass all the more relieving.  He ate the last morsels of food he had left, which left a sandy taste in his mouth. With his last bit of energy, he pressed on. The grassy plains he found himself in had occasional muddy patches, which was a good sign. Mud means water. And water means he probably wasn't about to die. It seemed to be that this area recently experienced rainfall, with small, delicious little puddles of mud water that were basically Saturns lifeline. While warm and stagnant, it was still water, and Saturn didn't have the luxury of turning it down. He continued his aimless trek, foraging for hydration and nourishment along the way, when he came across a shallow river running through a small forested area. Saturn decided the cool, clear stream was a valuable resource, and decided it was a nice place to stay for a couple of days so he could gather his strength. He had been constantly on the move for about a week, and it had taken its toll on him.

He had set up a rudiamentary camp and was bathing in the cool water when he noticed something odd. On a nearby bank laid the bones of a pokemon all strewn about haphazardly, some undoubtedly washed away by the current. They were obviously picked clean, and some even were chipped and scratched in places. This worried Saturn as whoever did this could possibly still be in the immediate area. He walked up to the remains, examining the skull first. It was long and angled, with two protrusions towards the back angled outwards, like stubby horns. He picked it up and couldn't help but notice how well it would fit around his head. Its shape matched up with his head almost perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. He couldn't help but try it on, and immediately noticed how heavy it felt. The weight was rather comforting, and felt somewhat familiar to him. As he was adjusting his newfound helmet, a hostile creature started shooting high-velocity seeds at him from behind the cover of a nearby tree. The seeds cut through the air with a zwoosh. One of them dug into his right shoulder blade, which felt like a thousand razors cutting into his shoulder. He squealed from the pain and immediately started running, instinctively grabbing a femur bone for use as a weapon if he got backed into a corner. As he was running two more seeds shot past him, one making a large splash in the water and the other kicking up dirt. One last seed was shot and found its mark at the back of its head. The helmet managed to absorb a portion of the impact, but it still left Saturn extremely dizzy and struggling to remain conscious. He managed to stumble into the forested area on the opposite side of the river from his attacker, and by the time he stopped running he had no idea where he was and his ears were ringing horribly. He hid next to a tree for a minute to gather his surroundings, but once he sat down he quickly passed out from the damage he sustained.

He awoke to the sound of grass rustling nearby and two voices saying, "Did you see how that tresspasser squealed and ran from a simple Bullet Seed? Abolutely hilarious!." "That kid had better not come around here again. Next time I see him, he's dead." Saturn made himself as small and inconspicuous as possible until they passed, and proceeded to get out of the woods as fast as possible. The river that ran through it, however, ran far beyond the patch of trees and winded into the hills and valleys beyond. He followed it as it was a reliable source of water for about four days, using what skills he managed to learn out of necessity along the way. Eventually he was forced to make a choice. The river he was following ran upstream into a range of black, jagged mountains. There also happened to be an established dirt road nearby that he could backtrack to and follow instead. Saturn decided the road was the safest of the two routes and retraced his steps until he found it again. He followed it for a couple of days when he came across a sign that read Grassveil Town: THIS WAY which filled him with relief. He was finally on his way to a safe haven that might actually take him in! (and hopefully have better food than the various roots, herbs and occasional berry that had made up his diet until then.) By evening later that day he came across a small, bustling town with a sign in front of it that read Grassveil Town and promptly entered its safe confines, thinking "Now I can finally rest, and perhaps even make myself useful by seeking employment."

» Other:


Last edited by southpawXlegacy on Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:24 pm; edited 39 times in total
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Lord E V
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PostSubject: Re: Saturn the Cubone (Finished)   Thu Jul 19, 2018 10:27 am

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to the following reasons:



1.) NATURAL FEATS

Mostly for posterity's sake, add a feat for your chosen ability.

2.) LIKES/DISLIKES

You need at least 3 likes and 3 dislikes.

3.) HISTORY

First off, the character's parents have a very clear tie to Grassveil Guild which in turn gives him a clear tie to it, which you'll need to get admin approval for before I can approve it.  So if you want to keep that, you'll need to ask the admins.  You'll also need to tone it down some, because their success is a bit excessive and starts your character off as a bit of a special snowflake when he's presumably going to end up in this same guild.

Next is the implication that this child and weak character is stronger than his father who is an established successful guild member.  Old or not, there's no world where this level 5 cubone should actually be able to compete with him.  If he just took a dive and pretended to be knocked out, that's fine, but it's still mentioned before this that Saturn's just stronger than him.  That's a bit of an issue.

Last but not least... the sign read... Grassroot town?  Did you mean Grassveil?


If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message any of the Character Moderators. May it be through the Chatbox or through Private Messaging, we will tend to your concerns as soon as we can. Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

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>And now for a bit about myself.<
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southpawXlegacy

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PostSubject: Re: Saturn the Cubone (Finished)   Tue Jul 24, 2018 11:59 pm

Hopefully you will find this version more to your liking.
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Lord E V
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PostSubject: Re: Saturn the Cubone (Finished)   Fri Jul 27, 2018 9:13 pm

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to the following reasons:



1.) LOVELY BONES

In your previous iteration, you had a good explanation for Saturn getting his skull helmet. Now it seems you don't have one at all. Considering the history you currently have, I'll allow something other than "dead mom," and I'd personally suggest using this not-dungeon he explores in his history as a place for him to find it.

2.) HISTORY

Speaking of that not-dungeon exploration, there are some problems with it. The mechanics of this place's puzzle are pretty over-the-top for just some random place in a character history, everything is explained via a combination of "magic" and plot convenience, and there's no reason at all for it to be this way other than just to look special for the sake of it. The pressure plate trap is fine, but then there's the secret exit taking the form of "a magic sarcophagus with a lid that floats but only if you fit it with magic gemstones that don't naturally fit in the first place." Not only does it not need to be that way, but there's also no reason why someone would be able to so easily figure out such a convoluted "puzzle" because it makes no sense whatsoever. At that, "Clearly these holes need to be filled by things that don't even fit in them and then that will surely free me" isn't a logical conclusion and portrays the character as a very lucky guesser more than anything else. And how convenient that such a mystical puzzle was right by his home, there for no apparent reason other than to make him look special.

If you want Saturn to solve a puzzle to free himself, that's fine and all, but the way you have it set up needs to change a lot to be acceptable. Tone down the magic aspects of the scenario (mainly the crystals and sarcophagus; that includes the keepsake crystal that has a heartbeat-like pulse "because reasons") and think of a puzzle more reasonable for the character to be able to figure out in the first place.

3.) GRAMMAR

You start shifting between past-tense and present-tense randomly toward the end of the history. I'm not denying the application for this, and you don't have to fix it, but I wanted to request that you at least try to keep your writing in proper past tense (especially since you're going to be editing that area of the history anyway).


If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message any of the Character Moderators. May it be through the Chatbox or through Private Messaging, we will tend to your concerns as soon as we can. Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

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Welcome To The End:
 

Character Records

Is it my post in our thread?  Wanna start a thread with me?  Hit me up HERE

Oh yeah, and I dabble in pixel art.  If you're interested, check out my shop.

>And now for a bit about myself.<
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southpawXlegacy

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PostSubject: Re: Saturn the Cubone (Finished)   Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:20 pm

I finally managed to finish it. Sorry in advance as it is rather long.
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Lord E V
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PostSubject: Re: Saturn the Cubone (Finished)   Thu Aug 16, 2018 4:01 am

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to the following reasons:



1.) WHAT

That... is not what I meant when I said you could give him a helmet without having a dead mother. The main thing I denied the application for last time was having a ridiculous, unreasonable, and senselessly over-the-top history. You didn't fix that at all; you made it much, much worse. I said a magic cave with living crystals was too unreasonable, so you changed it to a haunted cave with a spooky ghost that basically possesses Saturn.

Stop trying so hard to make your character look super special. No, he cannot have a magic haunted talking helmet.

And fix your grammar. You made it even worse and now half the history is in present tense for no real reason. This site supports past tense. I won't deny the application for this alone, but do make sure you stay in past tense once you're out there roleplaying on the site.


If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message any of the Character Moderators. May it be through the Chatbox or through Private Messaging, we will tend to your concerns as soon as we can. Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

_________________
Welcome To The End:
 

Character Records

Is it my post in our thread?  Wanna start a thread with me?  Hit me up HERE

Oh yeah, and I dabble in pixel art.  If you're interested, check out my shop.

>And now for a bit about myself.<
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southpawXlegacy

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PostSubject: Re: Saturn the Cubone (Finished)   Yesterday at 11:27 pm

While it certainly is in no way perfect, hopefully this attempt will be seen as 'acceptable'.
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