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 Tory The Patrat

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RosePetal



Posts : 1
Poké : -5000
Join date : 2016-09-24

PostSubject: Tory The Patrat   Sun Sep 25, 2016 1:17 pm

» Name: Tory
» Sex: Female
» Gender: Female
» Species: Scout Pokemon #504
» Affiliation: Wanderer

» Level: 5
» Energy: 16
» Ability: Keen Eye
» Moves:
- Pursuit (Egg Move)
- Tackle (Level 1)
- Leer (Level 3)
-

» Natural Feats:
- Cheek Pouches - Used to store food; they can spend days on the lookout without leaving their post.
- Caution - One will always be on the watch; however they won't notice a foe from behind.

» Personality: From the first day of being a full scout, Tory has made sure to keep a solid eye on any pokemon she cares about. To other pokemon, she would seem a little tough on the outside, but on the inside, she's a nice, caring, Patrat who would anyone. From helping her family fight off a pack of Poochyenas and saving her brother, her family didn't really agree on letting her go on her own. Tory was leaving anyway, saying that they would be fine with brother to protect them. Her brave and alert nature makes her a skilled gatherer and battler. Sneaking up behind the enemy and attacking is Tory's main way of battling. Her strong will of heart keeps her going everyday in life, believing that a new world of friends and dungeons will await her.
» Likes:
- Oran berries - One, if not her favorite type of berry to eat.
- Peace - Feuds are unnecessary, why fight over something you could just make up over?
- The Brave and Kind - Looking up to someone who has a good heart and kind soul deserves to be looked up to. Why would Tory, or anyone, ever be bad?
» Dislikes:
- Loud Noises - Harsh and loud sounds disrupt her concentration, especially during her own training.
- The Cold-Hearted - Even hearing the word 'evil' brings a chill down Tory's own spine,
pokemon who ruin others lives. Just for fun! How disgusting!
- Harsh Winters - She hates the winter months. In the past, she and her family had the spend time in caves just to get away from the cold.
» History:
Tory's life as a Patrat was always in order. Wake up, gather daily meals, and be on the lookout for anything dangerous. Simple to other Patrats, but not her. It mostly felt like a daily challenge she must take on, every single day. Pricked ears, eye scouting the area of land she and her family must protect in order to survive. Her brother, Jake, always tried to take over her lookout nights; saying she was too much of a Bidoof to warn anyone of danger. Luckily, her mother was always there to teach him a good lesson on behavior. A few months later, while Jake was on the day job, Tory and her mother were picking berries from a bush for breakfast and dinner. Her father came rushing through the bushes at them, telling them that Jake is being attacked by a wild Phoochyena pack. Tory and her mother immediately followed him back to Jake's scout post, 4 Poochyenas were surrounding Jake, who was already covered with wounds. It was a long and hard battle, before Tory tackled the leader in the snout, causing the pack to run away in a panic; never to be seen again. After returning to the home tree, and patching up Jake's wounds (which were not too deep.) he quickly apologized to mother and father. He had left his post because of a noise from a bush, and decided to check it out, which is against the first scout rule. Tory intermediately forgave him, and Jake a hug. So did mother and father.
» Other:
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Lord E V
Head Secretary & Lord of the Eevees
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Posts : 3204
Poké : 853
Join date : 2014-07-12
Age : 21
Location : Nibiru

PostSubject: Re: Tory The Patrat   Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:36 pm

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to the following reasons:



1.) NEGATIVE POKÉ

Give the rules another look and make sure you've done everyone correctly. If you're still confused as to what is wrong, contact an admin.

2.) SPECIES

You forgot the most important part of the "species" section. The species.

3.) NATURAL FEATS

Add a feat for the ability you've chosen. Just a short description of the ability will do.

4.) PERSONALITY

"To other pokemon, she would seem a little tough on the outside,"

I'd recommend adding in a word such as "likely" or "probably" here so as to avoid making it appear as if people must have their characters view yours in a certain way.

"she's a nice, caring, Patrat who would anyone. "

This particular sentence seems to be missing a rather important word.

"From helping her family fight off a pack of Poochyenas and saving her brother, her family didn't really agree on letting her go on her own. Tory was leaving anyway, saying that they would be fine with brother to protect them."

This bit makes no sense, partly due to poor grammar that makes it hard to tell what you're saying and partly due to the fact that this seems to be background info (history) rather than part of the personality.

5.) LIKES

Your character's likes are a bit generic. You're going to need more than the bare minimum of three likes if you want to get your current ones accepted.

"Looking up to someone who has a good heart and kind soul deserves to be looked up to. Why would Tory, or anyone, ever be bad?"

Yet again, significant grammatical issues that make it difficult to tell what you're trying to say.

6.) HISTORY

Let me get this straight: Tory's father left her brother and went to get help. The father left the brother alone, not the other way around?? Her father just left her brother to be beaten to a bloody pulp. And Tory was the one to defeat the leader of the attacking Pokemon group? Not one of her parents? Your character's parents are, to be blunt, useless. Her father also seems to be a coward if not an idiot. There doesn't appear to be a particular reason for any of this; it currently just seems like poor writing that needs to be fixed.

7.) GRAMMAR

Aside from the severe grammatical problems I've already pointed out, there are also quite a few more minor issues scattered throughout your bio. Most of these problems are just missing words, which makes it seem like you rushed. You aren't going to get your bio approved by trying to rush, so you may as well slow down and think.


If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message any of the Secretaries. May it be through the Chatbox or through Private Messaging, we will tend to your concerns as soon as we can. Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

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