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 Cub the Cubone

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Leon Blaze

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PostSubject: Cub the Cubone   Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:49 pm

» Name: Cub
» Sex: Male
» Gender: Male
» Species: #104 Cubone The lonely pokemon
» Affiliation: Wanderer

» Level: 5
» Energy:  (14+5) 19
» Ability:   Lightning Rod (draws electric type attacks but makes it so electric attacks don't miss him)
» Moves:
-Growl: (Lowers attack) 100% Acc. 40 pp. Learned by leveling at level 1 (basically birth but yeah)
-Tail Whip: (Lowers Defense) 100% Acc. 30 pp. learned by leveling at level 3
-Iron Head: (He uses his skull to crash into the opponent) 80 pwr. 100% Acc. 15 pp. Egg move
-

» Natural Feats:
-Mournful Song: When he cries it creates melodic sound from the noise echoing though the helmet.
-Lightning Rod: Since he is immune to electric type attacks he gains no other improvement from having this ability

» Personality:He is extremely shy and likes to keep to himself. The only reason he wants to make friends with new people is because they can help him make new memories. He strongly believes that memories are some of the most important things a person can have. In light of trying to make new memories will try and help anyone who might need it. Though he tries to be confident all the time his timidity gets the best of him. When intimidated and he is vary easily intimidated by Pokemon larger then him. The only pokemon that are exceptions from that rule is Aggron and it's lower evolutions. For some reason he seems to find comfort when around the heavily armored pokemon. Finally he is vary protective of his helmet and club since they were the only things he had owned when he first woke up after losing his memories.

» Likes: making memories( like I said before he thinks they are important and make a person who they are), singing(He know a nice song but can't seem to remember the words. He likes to sing or hum it so he can't forget.), and the full moon (He feels comforted by it and later learns it reminds him of his mom.)

» Dislikes: crowds(He is extremely shy and crowds make him nervous ), Pokemon bigger then him (a vary large Pokemon can be vary intimidating and his shyness over comes him when he is around them), marks on his skull (It is the only "nice" thing he has and doesn't it when the skull dents or gets dirty.)

» History: Long ago on a day Cub can't remember. He and his parents were attacked by a pack of feral pokemon. His parents (an Aggron father and Marrowak mother) were able to hide him from the pack before fighting for their lives. In the end they won but would die shortly after because of their wounds. When Cub left his hiding spot he came upon the horrific scene of his parent's mangled bodies. After the initial shock Cub tried to remain near his parents bodies. Thinking that the pack of feral pokemon might still be lurking nearby. Eventually his mother's body decomposes enough that he can take the skull and a bone. So that he could protect himself. He realized he can no longer stay there and grieve. So he left the spot in search of a new home. Though almost as soon as he left he was frightened to find a menacing Pokemon running though the forest. Cub assumed that it was part of the feral pack that had attacked his parents and rushed off into the woods. Running away from it without the pokemon even noticing him. He ran and since he wan't watching were he was going tripped on a root and tumbled down a slope. His helmet flew off and he smacked his head at the bottom. When he woke he had lost his memory from the impact to the rock the skull helmet and bone laying by his side. Now he wanders the land unaware of his parent's death trying to remember the important thing he forgot.

» Other: He isn't afraid of Aggrons because his father was one. It's a subconscious feeling that he finds hard to explain until he regains his memories.


Last edited by Leon Blaze on Tue Sep 27, 2016 9:48 pm; edited 11 times in total
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Lord E V
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PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Wed Sep 07, 2016 7:40 pm

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to the following reasons:



1.) TEMPLATE

Use the bio template, code and all. This is not optional.

2.) SPECIES

Add the Pokedéx classification.

3.) MOVES

List the way in which the moves were learned (at a specific level, or as an egg move).

4.) NATURAL... ABILITY

It's supposed to say "Natural Feats," not "Natural Ability." The feat you have listed is slightly misleading in that you mention singing, yet Pokédex entries never bring up singing in any form (they just say Cubone's cries sound melodic due to the skull-mask's echo). Last but not least, add a feat to describe your chosen ability. There are things you could explain there such as the fact that Cubone cannot get the normal power boost from Lightning Rod due to being immune to electric attacks (Lightning Rod normally gives special attack to the bearer on activation, but not if they are immune to electric attacks).

5.) Personality

"His lost memories makes it so where he should mourn or be sad about himself."

What? The structure of this sentence makes it difficult to tell what you're trying to say. Reword it.

6.) LIKES/DISLIKES

Add descriptions/explanations for your character's likes and dislikes. A short sentence for each will do. And why is "skulls" plural?

7.) HISTORY

You're clearly intentionally withholding information about your character's past. Don't do that. It's his history, not his memory. Explain his entire life regardless of whether or not he remembers it.


If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message any of the Secretaries. May it be through the Chatbox or through Private Messaging, we will tend to your concerns as soon as we can. Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

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Leon Blaze

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PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Wed Sep 07, 2016 10:29 pm

Sorry about the template I copied the words by hand. The Natural feet thing was a bit strange and cool so I didn't quite understand it but now I think I do. As for the errors I fixed them and hope they won't appear again. Also the History wasn't hidden I just put it in the other section. If you already knew that and read it but still think I'm holding information then no I'm not. Cub's parents where killed by other Pokemon but I'm just going to say they were definitely feral and attacked for no reason. All that I put in the history is all there is. No new secret organizations or something. The reason why I didn't want the assailants to be know is because then Cub's story would start controlling other stories. I want Cub to be a character who can just join in without too much disruption but still participate in the world and have his own problems. Anyway thank you for your review of my character sheet.

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Lord E V
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PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Sat Sep 10, 2016 7:49 pm

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to the following reasons:



1.) CODE

You wrote much of your bio within the bold code. The section labels are meant to be bolded, but not your own writing.

2.) PERSONALITY

Now the personality's just very short and bare. Elaborate and flesh the character out a bit.

3.) HISTORY

I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said you were intentionally withholding information. First off, the character's "history" barely had anything in it since you put much of it in the "Other" section instead. But since you've fixed that, I'll move on to problems within the history. Rewrite the history in proper order of events, and do not focus so much on the future. Avoid writing it as if it is from your character's perspective as well, since this is supposed to be his history, not his memory. If you wish to talk about what you intend to happen to your character in the future, THAT belongs in the "Other" section. As for the history, give more detail on why he lost his memories and what happened to him after he was orphaned. Whether or not it was intentional, this is important information that you neglected to include.


If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message any of the Secretaries. May it be through the Chatbox or through Private Messaging, we will tend to your concerns as soon as we can. Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

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Welcome To The End:
 

Character Records

Is it my post in our thread?  Wanna start a thread with me?  Hit me up HERE

Oh yeah, and I dabble in pixel art.  If you're interested, check out my shop.

>And now for a bit about myself.<
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Leon Blaze

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Posts : 27
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Age : 18
Location : Kanto

PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Tue Sep 13, 2016 2:35 am

I think I got it this time.

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Lord E V
Head Secretary & Lord of the Eevees
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Posts : 3131
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Join date : 2014-07-12
Age : 20
Location : Nibiru

PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Sat Sep 17, 2016 11:40 am

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to the following reasons:



1.) PERSONALITY

What's up with Cub being cool with aggron?  I hope you can think of a better explanation than "He just is."  I presume one of his parents was an aggron?

2.) HISTORY

Now that your character's history is all nice and proper... there's another issue.  He just kind of gets a skull and bone bestowed upon him by Arceus almighty.  He also has a rather unexplained loss of memory.  If it's from hitting his head or trauma, specify.  Specify what his parents are as well.  For instance, if mommy's a marowak and daddy's an aggron, state this.

What I would personally suggest is for Cub's parents to die while he's still in his egg.  He hatches and sticks around his mother's lovely decaying corpse for a while before eventually taking her skull and a bone and just leaving.  Since he'd be a literal newborn and that would likely be rather traumatic, it easily explains the memory loss you were going for.  This may seem a bit too dark for your tastes depending on your preferences, but Cubone's just dark.


Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

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Welcome To The End:
 

Character Records

Is it my post in our thread?  Wanna start a thread with me?  Hit me up HERE

Oh yeah, and I dabble in pixel art.  If you're interested, check out my shop.

>And now for a bit about myself.<
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Leon Blaze

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Posts : 27
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Join date : 2016-09-05
Age : 18
Location : Kanto

PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Wed Sep 21, 2016 5:08 am

Try 4
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Lord E V
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Age : 20
Location : Nibiru

PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:03 pm

Sorry, your Character Bio cannot be approved due to a reason you can probably guess by now:



∞.) HISTORY

"Eventually his mother's body decomposes enough that he can take the skull and a bone officially becoming a Cubone."

I'm a bit concerned with the part about "becoming" a cubone. A cubone is a cubone even without the skull-helmet. While you may not have been trying to imply he was something other than a cubone, please remove this part about "becoming" one regardless. The rest of the sentence is fine, though, with him sticking around his mother.

Aside from that, it seems like your grammar is getting progressively worse each time you edit your bio, as if you're rushing more and more. You're constantly switching between present and past tense (stick to past) and the history is sorely lacking in punctuation. Try to improve your grammar a bit.


If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message any of the Secretaries. May it be through the Chatbox or through Private Messaging, we will tend to your concerns as soon as we can. Please fix your bio accordingly so that we may be able to approve it. Once you have completed your edits, either bump this thread or message us.

_________________
Welcome To The End:
 

Character Records

Is it my post in our thread?  Wanna start a thread with me?  Hit me up HERE

Oh yeah, and I dabble in pixel art.  If you're interested, check out my shop.

>And now for a bit about myself.<
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Leon Blaze

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Posts : 27
Poké : 280
Join date : 2016-09-05
Age : 18
Location : Kanto

PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Wed Sep 28, 2016 1:13 am

Try again

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Lord E V
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PostSubject: Re: Cub the Cubone   Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:55 pm

Character has been approved!



Please head over HERE to create your Character Records.  Once you've completed that, go have fun and roleplay!

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Welcome To The End:
 

Character Records

Is it my post in our thread?  Wanna start a thread with me?  Hit me up HERE

Oh yeah, and I dabble in pixel art.  If you're interested, check out my shop.

>And now for a bit about myself.<
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